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Author Topic: Are your friends holding you back?  (Read 4676 times)
Seth King
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« on: January 27, 2014, 12:54:41 AM »

I don't know how I got on this train of thought. But I was pondering the sad reality that people often want their friends to fail.

I've felt this a few times from my friends in the past. Not too often, because frankly, I'm not the type of guy that is hung up on career or social status, so I rarely did things that threatened the insecurities of my friends. But there have definitely been a few cases, which I won't get into now, where my friends were definitely envious of my goals and secretly wished for my failure and maybe even worked to sabotage me.

Check out this article:
http://goarticles.com/article/Your-Friends-Want-You-To-Fail/369997/

Most people would apply that towards career goals, but I think it's actually a broad topic.
When you read the list of clues given in that article, it was basically me to a T before I left Cali for New Hampshire. The conversations of my friends bored the shit out of me. I was enthusiastic about political philosophy and economics and activism. They weren't. I enjoy(ed) reading books and learning new things/skills. My friends were all in a rut doing the same shit with no hope/desire to break the mold. The list goes on.

The friends I had back in Cali never actively tried to dissuade me from moving to New Hampshire. This is for two reasons. First, because I had distanced myself from them quite a bit before I left. And second, because I never told them in advance that I was planning on doing it.

My father definitely caught grief from his friends before moving to New Hampshire. They gave him 101 reasons not to move out here. The real reason, which none of them ever said, was that they'd miss him.

There are a lot of reasons why people don't want to you succeed. Some of it is petty envy. Part of it is that birds of a feather flock together. And if you're successful at X and your friends aren't, there will be riffs.

I'm curious how many people on this forum haven't moved to New Hampshire mainly because their family/friends have discouraged them.

Another thing that I'm curious about is how many friends forum members have in general. How many here don't have any friends they see on a regular basis? How many have lots? A few? And then OF those friends, how many are fellow ancaps like yourself? Are you the only one in your circle of friends that is ancap/activist?

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When are you moving to New Hampshire?
MAM
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« Reply #1 on: January 27, 2014, 03:22:05 AM »

Yep. I feel like this fucking state is holding me back. I can't leave for a while anyway if I did I wouldn't be able to live with myself. I have one last objective to be done with in this geographic region, then I'm gone!
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« Reply #2 on: January 27, 2014, 07:32:30 PM »

I only keep a tight circle of family (blood and others whom I've developed a tight bond with) around me.  I have a few acquaintances but that's about it.  I  have never thought about moving to NH, but the idea does intrigue me.  Perhaps after my stint in Vegas I may consider such a move if I am financially able to.  It is unfortunate that none of my family are fellow ancaps, but I am persistent in my arguments.  I'm hoping that one day they will to cross over but if what I hope for never materializes then I move on without them
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« Reply #3 on: January 27, 2014, 07:43:13 PM »

I haven't moved to New Hampshire because it is in America. :-)

Seriously tho, that article is interesting, and another angle on it I think is that: If you hold radically different viewpoints to your friends and are happer/more successful/whatever than they are, it implies that they might be "wrong", which is an even bigger blow to the ego than just being less successful (by whatever metric) because it also implies that if they want to be happer/more successful, they have to change. People hate changing, and therefore tend to dislike being shown a better alternative. Hence the saying, "Don't kill the messanger." A lot of messangers were killed. This is part of the reason I don't do sign wavy activism crap anymore (besides simply having better things to spend my remaining days doing).

The biggest thing that holds anyone back is they don't want to lose "friends". Psychologically, people are more averse to loss than they are enticed by gain (or potential gain). If you told someone that moving to NH would mean they certainly lose 10 friends, maybe even one they are fucking on a regular basis, but all of whom don't want this person to do what makes them happy, and that in exchange they would have the possibility (but not the certainty) of making 10 new friends, one or more of whom they may end up fucking, and all of whome share intellectual proximity with them, most people would still turn that down. "But I don't want to lose my (crappy) friends!"

I have a small group of friends, all of whom are trying different approaches to life. The value we gain from sharing our experiences is massive because we can explore a massive solution space in very little time as we are each traveling in separate "experience vectors". When we find something really good, we share it, and the others can make a course alteration on their vector if they'd like, or not. We do not share a particular geographic proximity anymore, but it is awesome to share the same meatspace from time to time as we are still in a pre-singularity world where meatspace carries some value. The values we share are simple and few. Having new experience (or new depth of experience), creating new experience for ourselves and others (through arts, technology, philosophy), and pursuing the previous two with an adherence to non-violence. Most would identify as ancap/anarchist, but some would not. Accepting their model of reality and trying to understand it has proven to be the most effective way to encourage them to accept my model and try to understand it. They may neer accept the term "anarchist" or "capitalist", but if they are honest and thorough in their belief in non-violence, it doesn't matter to me if we have a small difference in what heiroglyphics or small mouth noises we use to describe how we would like to see the world.

Another of my angles on this: https://dailyanarchist.com/forum/index.php/topic,2851.msg24608.html#msg24608
« Last Edit: January 27, 2014, 07:45:24 PM by David Giessel » Logged

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« Reply #4 on: January 29, 2014, 05:34:37 PM »


The biggest thing that holds anyone back is they don't want to lose "friends". Psychologically, people are more averse to loss than they are enticed by gain (or potential gain). If you told someone that moving to NH would mean they certainly lose 10 friends, maybe even one they are fucking on a regular basis, but all of whom don't want this person to do what makes them happy, and that in exchange they would have the possibility (but not the certainty) of making 10 new friends, one or more of whom they may end up fucking, and all of whome share intellectual proximity with them, most people would still turn that down. "But I don't want to lose my (crappy) friends!"


I guess my 'have no friends' strategy paid off then!  Certainly made it easier I'm sure.
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